Travel — Sincerely, Sarcastic

It's funny how we run from our emotions, especially as a New Yorker. We walk down the street staring at the ground just hoping one person doesn't even touch you as your miserably make your way to work. Sitting here now I even find it hard to put into words what I want to say about the Burn because it is one of the most difficult yet indescribably magnificent experiences I have ever experienced. The Burn pushes your limits to the max and makes you want to give up, pushes you to face every all of your fears, forces you to love and hug people you might normally scoff at on the streets, forces you to open your heart and just love. Love, something that feels so good is one of the scariest feelings to us because with love comes heartbreak. My fear was walking into a camp of 110 gay men and 70,000 strangers overall.. not realizing I would be walking out so upset that I had to say goodbye to my family.

This years burn was the biggest challenge of my life, there were times the heat was so bad that I felt like I was in hell and truly wanted to give up... but I kept pushing. I was forced away from my phone, shut off from my life and anything that made me miserable at home and for once, I just lived. I lived my life without having one worry in the world besides refilling my water or what music was going to lead me to my next adventure. I know people don't understand what it's like unless you go but it is something I challenge everyone to try once in their life. You might absolutely hate it and never want to go back but you allowed yourself to take the risk. The risk of it all is worth the experience in the end... and it was. I have never laughed so hard with strangers that quickly became family, who made me cry one night because I fell behind and the next minute I cried because I felt like a piece of me was being left behind. Yes I guess you could say I was "changed" and I am fine if you don't understand that, it's my experience to understand, not yours and I am fine with that.

FEELINGS

What a word... huh?

To most people, the burn is just something they make fun of because they think its a bunch of hippies in the dessert but those people don't understand what it's like to LIVE and I mean truly live without holding back. They can laugh and ask you if the playa "Changed You"... But every year that I go back, it does change me and I become an even better person because of it. This year was a challenge, I am not going to lie and it was tough, I cried, I sweat, I panicked but then at the end of it all... I learned to LOVE.

About five days in I cried because my number one fear smacked me in the face, which I thought I had kept completely hidden for so long.... the fear of feeling alone. Little did I know that crying over this fear was actually going to be something so much more. Once I settled down and took a breath I realized I wasn't crying because I was scared of being alone, its because finally once again I had opened my heart and felt vulnerable. To most people feeling vulnerable is terrifying and to me it absolutely HORRIFYING, BUT I finally learned to accept the love of other people and just open my heart to it... it's been years since I allowed this, for a while I just thought my wall would never come down again and I was just permanently stuck and broken. A random search actually led me to this quote that is exactly what my feelings meant...

So, from there on I realized I had the chance at a fresh start, a new job and a new look on reality, let everyone see me for who I am. I will try to remind myself every day that I step out of bed to live with this mentality, an open heart.

Another year later and I thank BM again for teaching me something about myself I never even realized I needed to know. I can take fear, stare it in the face, cry about it and then turn that fear into LOVE and love is the most important thing in the entire world. Never stop loving.

The glamcocks did something special for me, they made me feel completely and utterly... accepted. In a world that can be so cruel, espeically growing up gay, I have never felt more accepted and loved in my life(maybe made fun of a little for my side eye and big ang impressions, but loved with every snarky comment). The wonderful part now is that no matter where I go in the world, I will always have another brother to rely on. The glamcocks became my family and I would have it no other way. Big Ang, dirty side eye, last minute Taylor Swift performances, silly costumes, dancing till the sun came up, riding our bikes till my legs felt like they were going to fall off...it all just became a part of my DNA, my new families DNA, The Glamcocks... and for that I am forever grateful to have my, as I like to call them, "forever friends". (PS I LOVE U) Thank you to the GlamCocks! for making this the most incredible experience of my life, you will forever be my family and I am forever grateful for what you have done for me.

This is a picture of me on my way to Burning Man and let me preface this article by telling you I was extremely nervous and not even sure I wanted to go. I decided after a difficult year that this had to be my year of "YES", to every situation presented to me, whether it makes me terribly uncomfortable or is completely out of my gay normal box, I had to say "YES". So when my friend Ryan presented the great and personally terrifying thought of Burning Man to me... I had to follow my rules and say yes. I was so nervous that I was going to go and get sucked into some horrible dusty hippie world that I would try once and be done with. All my thoughts ended up being completely wrong because what I experienced was something magical that I could have never predicted...

After many hours of traveling by plane and bus, I hopped off the bus(in a white out) and did the virgin ritual of ringing the virgin bell and screaming "I AM NOT A VIRGIN" and the ever so clean, virgin dust angel. I pulled up to the beautiful camp that is Comfort and Joy, lined with neon flags and decoand knew it couldn't have fit my personality any better. Walking into camp I was a bit hesitant because I was showing up mid week and nobody wants to be seen as a "sparkle pony" (someone who shows up for the glitz and glam but doesn't contribute or become part of the community). Little did I know that the volunteer hours I signed up for would be the best way to meet new and amazing people with the biggest hearts in the world.

The first night Ryan turned to me and said tonight we are going to the Playa, anything you see or want to do, we are going to do. So on we rode on our spectacular pink and purple bikes adorned with bright lights (so people wouldn't run us over in the night by their art cars). As I pushed off the ground entering into the Playa, the world transformed into something magical. I had never felt such an incredible sense of enchantment and art mixed with all the happiest feelings in the world. I described it to my friends as some fantasy Disney land light show dream that only your wildest fantasies could ever even imagine. The beautiful art, bright lights, and incredible music blaring through the Playa was the most incredible, inspirational, and breath taking combination I think I have ever had. I quickly realized I was truly in for the ride of a lifetime...

I went in with two goals and I thought, "there's honestly no way that this will happen, but here's to hoping". My first goal was this: To find creativity and motivation that would push me to pursuing my actual dreams again. My second goal, a goal that I found to be the most important: To fall in love again. To be able to open my heart and fall in love with people again and stop being so angry at them. Not only open my heart to friendships but open my heart to LOVE because recently, that has been the toughest kind for me. Little did I know not only would I find the love in others, feel like I could open my heart again, but that I would find love somewhere else that was needed, within myself.

Finding my creativity came easy, every day spent there, in the Playa, around these beautiful kind people, seeing all the costumes and outfits; drove my creativity crazy in all the best ways. I figured out in coming back to the "real world", that this creativity was there all along. Now that we are getting older, we sometimes push out this fantasy world when really it was there all along. Every single component of Burning Man gave me the inspiration to realize I could make my dreams come true if I just stopped being so damn scared all the time.

LOVE, isn't that just a funny word, it sounds so easy but why is it so hard to find. Not having your phones constantly attached to you did something amazing, it drove you to actually look into the eyes of the people around you and really, really get to know them. It was something I had never felt before, people being so open to LOVE. Something about the energy there allowed you to finally stop caring so much and just open your heart. Little did I know that I also started being able to open my heart to my romantic side of LOVE. I found myself being able to connect with people on a different level again and it felt like electricity through my neon leggings. Who knew that my cold heart could melt again and I could feel butterflies again. BM did something really special to me. As I said my goodbyes after the week, I started crying because I knew I hadn't just made any ordinary friends but I had made friends for a lifetime.

So to get to the unexpected part for me... for someone who seems so comfortable in their skin and in who they are, how could BM make me find love for himself? Something about this place, playa magic or not, opened my heart and broke down every single boundary I've had. Watching the temple burn down in silence my heart smiled and my eyes cried, for I had never felt more like me in my entire life. I came home to hear that people thought that my picture was immature and trashy but to me that picture meant one thing... FREEDOM. I have never felt so happy and so free to be me with no judgement, that's what Burning Man does for you. It takes away all judgement, all hate, all idea's of what's right and wrong and it makes you feel just... free. That's something I would never take away from anyone, the right to feel free and feel loved. We focus so much on the negativity and what's wrong and right instead of enjoying life, smiling, loving, and being who WE are meant to be. That is all I ask of others, just be yourself because that alone is the most important thing in the world.

"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive, who is youer than you."

To sum it up, Burning Man wasn't just some druggy festival of hippies going crazy and dancing to music. To me it was so much more, it was LOVE, pure deep love and acceptance. And once you feel something like that, you never want to let it go. So, are you wondering if I will be back next year? You're thinking, how did he not complain about the dust or the negative sides? Well here's the thing; the low moments, the sad moments, were outweighed by the growth, acceptance and love. So, here I am, maybe sounding like every person I thought was crazy raving about Burning Man... well, I am a Burner and I wouldn't have it any other way.